Kitchen Disaster #3 - R.I.P. Pot Holder

R.I.P Pot Holder

Let's all hold a moment of silence. Pot holder was cheap and stained. A quick gift for my first apartment. Pot holder always did her duty without complaint, enduring extreme heat and heavy loads. She was neglected and unappreciated in life. May you go on and live happy in pot holder heaven.

So I was a little peeved already, trying to make tomato sauce from our garden tomatoes just because I told Gas Monkey I would. When Gas Monkey came home, it was not working out for me. He walked into the kitchen and asked if I was burning something. Me? Burning something.? For a moment I was insulted. Then the smell of burning hit me. The culprit was easily found. I had stuck the pot of boiled tomatoes on a hot pad by the sink, decided they weren't ready yet, and put the pot back on the stove. But the pot holder went with it. Oops.

For more kitchen disasters, click here: Merut's Kitchen Disasters

NOTE: You cannot imagine the look of disgust on Gas Monkey's face when I grabbed the camera before putting out the fire.

Green Monster and Christina Aguilera

I had just come back from the gym and I wanted to feel like I was fit. So I found this recipe. This was a nice tasting smoothie, but I don’t have a blender, only have a food processor. In other words, it is never pleasant to chew your smoothie. You should have seen Gas Monkey's face when I presented him with one of his very own. I got the "I do not eat green eggs and ham" look. He doesn't like chewing his smoothies either - go figure.
Green Monster Smoothie

• 8 oz Light Vanilla Soymilk
• 2 cups spinach
• 1 frozen banana
• Half an apple

Mix and smooth.

The other day I was having lunch with my supervisor at a vegan restaurant called Watercourse. By now you know I am not a vegan. But this smoothie reminded me of it. I’ve seen people scarf down vegan buffalo wings like they were candy. I just look at them with curiosity. I just don’t get it.

Anyways, driving back from lunch in downtown Denver with our windows rolled down, I was chatty as usual. We were stopped at a light and the beat-up car next to us was blaring music so loud it interrupted my train of thought. I went to roll up my window and paused. I knew that song! I listened closer. That is the first time I’ve ever heard “Genie in a Bottle” by Christina Aguilera being blared from a car. It was like a scene from the nineties. By now I was curious as to what kind of person would be so into that song that they just had to share it with the world. I was expecting a teenage girl or maybe a girl in their twenties. Boy was I wrong. In the front seat was a 50+ year old man with tattoos and a beard! What a shock. “Genie in a Bottle” came out when I was in middle school and all of my friends had designed a dance to go along with it. The dude made me smile – at that moment we relived the good ol’ days together.

Top Secret Tuesday: Chicken Couscous with Something, Something, Something

This recipe is top secret - so secret I don't even know it. Yes, tragically I created this dish on my own, lovingly wrote down the exact ingredients, and unknowingly threw that scrap paper away. So should you want to take a whack at it, the following photos are clues:

Clue #1: That looks like chicken, probably seasoned with pepper. Sauteed until cooked.

Clue #2: Those are definitely green onions, grape/cherry tomatoes, and less than a cup of feta cheese.

Clue #3: Served on top of spinach.

To sum up what we have discovered together:

1. There is couscous. How it was prepared is mostly a mystery, except I remember replacing the water with my homemade vegetable broth. I know I added lots of seasoning, but what? NO idea.
2. There is chicken.
3. There are green onions, tomatoes, feta cheese, and spinach.

No go out there you eager detectives and create your own using this very helpful information!

French Dip and Chewing with My Mouth Open

Homemade Au Jus (since I did not have a computer, nor a human being to talk to, nor a cookbook with a recipe, I randomly came up with something that resembled au jus. It was not bad, but also not quite the same)

1-15 oz can of beef broth (low sodium and fat)
1/2 tsp onion powder
1/4 tsp garlic powder
Dash of hot sauce
Pinch of salt
Pinch of Pepper

Mix the above ingredients in a bowl and heat thoroughly, either on the stove or in the microwave.

French Dip

Au Jus
1 Multi-grain Sub Roll
Shredded Mozzarella Cheese
1/4 pound of deli roast beef

The following directions are going to be extremely complicated. Follow closely and review more than once.

1. Toast the sub.
2. Add the roast beef to one half of the sub and top with mozzarella. Place in oven under broil until the cheese has melted.
3. Place the other half of the sub on top of the roast beef and mozzarella, forming a sandwich.
4. Serve with the heated au jus sauce.
5. Dip carefully.
6. Avoid chin drizzle.
7. Eat!

Next time I’ll add Worcestershire sauce. But all in all it was pretty good. So I thought I’d explain why I changed the name of my blog.

Every little girl must learn table manners in order to maintain the façade of a “little lady” (I was NOT a little lady, but had to look like it). By the age of six I was pretty well-educated; I always kept my elbows off the table, waited to eat until everybody was seated, and always said “please pass the salt” and “thank you.” But I had one weakness: every parent’s nightmare – the dreaded chewing with my mouth open. Instead of chewing up and down like a normal person, I chewed side-side (like a damn cow as my mother so delicately put it).

My mother always told me to chew discreetly, annoyingly pointing to my angelic little brother as the epitome of proper chewing. So I’d put in a typical half-assed effort. My mother’s alternative parenting techniques are characterized by two important factors: a very short fuse and a crazy inventive mind. To this day I have no idea if these creative punishments resulted from the passion of the moment or previous planning.

Well, mom finally had it. What would a normal mother do to get their child to stop chewing with their mouth open? I have no idea, because I do not have a normal mother. She got up, went to the bathroom (grumbling to herself the entire way), and grabbed a small standing mirror. She then placed it in front of me.

“There, now you can enjoy looking at what everybody else gets to look at,” she said, swelling up with cocky pride. As if I, a kid who goes to a public school filled with obnoxious eaters, will be disgusted by my own “see-food.” Turns out I actually enjoyed looking at myself.

Of course I focused really hard on not chewing with my mouth open and said, “I don’t know what you are talking about." This is how almost all of our battles turned out - my mother thinking she was being really clever, and I mercilessly making her punishments a game. Do I still chew with my mouth open? Maybe when no one is looking, just to win in the end.

New Post Format

So here’s how my blog is going to work from now on. Each post will include your typical food picture and recipe. Otherwise it would not be a food blog – duh! But instead of posting a boring blurb that nobody reads about what I made, why I made it, and how it turned out (I know, you’re yawning already), I will post a “short” delightful anecdote from my past. By past I can mean 3 generations ago (i.e. about the old folks in my family) or about myself as a wee 3rd grader, or more recent. If you don’t know me, I tell these boring stories all the time. In fact I tell the same stories more than once to the same people (poor poor people). Should you be mentioned in the post (mom) and you think it is too specific and you don’t want people to know that that is how you are in real life, let me know, and I will make you even more anonymous. I don’t think my childhood was anything more spectacular than anybody else. And don’t judge anybody by the small insights you get about them. Just sit back and pretend to enjoy. Otherwise go to the end of the post and look at the recipe

Grilled Chicken (and Cock) Spinach Salad with Mustard Dressing

I’m referring to ROOSTERS you dirty minded readers! By the way, this salad is delicious, but the dressing needs some work. Alright, for my first "meal and a memory" post, let's see if I can get your attention.

Chicken Rub (A)

1/2 tsp dried parsley
1/8 tsp ground mustard
1/8 tsp onion powder
1/8 tsp garlic powder
1/8 tsp salt and pepper
Pinch of paprika

Mix these together and rub (sensually) onto two chicken breasts. It won't cover the whole breast, it's just enough for flavor.

Mustard Dressing (C)

3/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
3/4 tsp ground mustard
1/4 cup of cider vinegar
1/2 tbsp dried parsley
1/2 tsp onion powder
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp sugar

Mix the above together. Makes 8 oz (i.e. way more than you need for just one salad. You're only supposed to apply 2 tbsp to a salad).

Grilled Chicken Spinach Salad with Mustard Dressing (for one) - B+

Spinach
1/8 cup of bleu cheese
A small handful of raw, unsalted pecans (or you could roast them)
1/4 a cup of chopped green apple
1 grilled, sliced chicken breast
2 tbsp of mustard dressing

1. After applying the rub to chicken, grill. Grill until cooked all the way.
2. Meanwhile, in a large bowl mix spinach, bleu cheese, green apples, and pecans.
3. Add 2 tablespoons of mustard dressing (more if you prefer) and toss.
4. Place salad mixture on a plate and top with sliced grilled chicken breast.
5. Enjoy!

If you are making this for a large number of people, eyeball it. Just as long as you feel like the proportions are good, go with it!

So while I was eating this salad the following story came to mind:

Do you know those moments when you have a brilliant idea? They are rare for me, but when they happen they go down in history. One of these brilliant moments will serve as my first story. It is dedicated to my friend, who is the only avid reader of this sad blog.

While in High School I made two great friends – Raunchy Rhonda and Spanky Bottoms (aliases based on their stripper names – no they are not strippers, one definitely does not have the assets). Since Spanky Bottoms betrayed us and decided to go to a rival university, Raunchy Rhonda and I were perfectly set up to room together. Since we knew each other, and since we are both somewhat shy, we isolated ourselves in our dorm room most of the time. In case you haven’t been to a college dorm in a long time, all the girls post cutesy pictures and a white board on the outside of their dorm room. We had a white board – which nobody wrote on – and that was about it.

Spanky Bottoms and Raunchy Rhonda went on a trip to Poland at some point. When they came back they brought a British Cosmopolitan (you know those magazines that help women please their men). In this Cosmo there was spread of “soft porn” featuring a bunch of mostly naked, fat, hairy, bald British men hiding their junk with suggestive props (such as a sausage or a football). Apparently the British Cosmopolitan has lower standards if these guys are supposed to turn you on - after all you can't hear the accent through a magazine page. As a joke, Raunchy Rhonda and I took out some of the sorrier examples of manhood and taped them on the outside of our dorm room. It was our way of fighting for our women’s rights, since the boys in the dorm all had skanky women posters in their dorms. We thought the pictures were entertaining, and we felt very clever

Unfortunately the lady R.A. (i.e. floor babysitter – usually an equally immature college student looking for a free ride) came and gave us a notice. “The R.A. in charge of the boys’ floor said these were inappropriate and pornography and you’ll have to take them down. He was offended.” She also mentioned that she thought they were funny and harmless. But never put us in a corner, or we will fight for our rights. And we fight dirty.

For some bizarre reason, Raunchy Rhonda is a fan of roosters -to the point where she had a poster where all of the months featured a large picture of some prize rooster (why? I have no idea. She can be a little strange.). I don’t remember who came up with the idea, but we decided to cut out the roosters and stick them on the front of our dorm room. Can you guess what we wrote on our white board? “What’s your favorite cock?” That’s right, completely innocent.
Suddenly the two quietest, most reclusive members of the dorm were celebrities. All the girls had a hay day. After all, you college girls are just as perverted as college guys. Clearly. Some of the responses we received on our white board included:

- I like them juicy.
- I like them big.
- I like them with a large head.
- I like them thick.
- I like them black. (Very bad)

You get the idea. And the best part was the R.A. who had us take down the pathetic “porn” could do nothing about it. Victory! What about you my lovely lady readers? Any moments from college you dare not breathe about in front of your children? Geez, I did not think I was going to start off dirty, but you’ll be thinking about it when you eat my chicken salad right? Don't worry, it will never be this graphic again - I think.